So I am recovered from my tummy bug or whatever it was (see last entry). Kind of. I still don’t trust food and I am still beset by waves of nausea at times, often for no obvious reason, ie I am not cooking nor in a supermarket. But I invariably do feel nauseous whenever I am doing anything to do with food – even thinking about it! And certain foods I can’t go near – mainly the ones I ate the night before my visceral earthquake.
This is perfectly normal my lovely doctor assures me. You take a battering like that and it’s inevitable it takes a while for everything to return to how it was. Plus with my age, it may take longer for a full recovery. I had a trip to London in the week and I was terrified those tilting trains would make me feel sick as they do for many travellers but I needn’t have worried. It went swell. Though I scored me some more anti-emetics just in case. Perhaps they had a placebo or psychological effect?
Bread is my life now
Anyway from swearing off bread it’s now pretty much all I want to eat! You see I KNOW it wasn’t bread that made me ill. Or pasta, rice or potatoes. It wasn’t carbs make me sick. I know this because I didn’t eat any carbs for several days before I was ill. So I feel safe eating bread. It’s like coming home. Not that I’m eating that much of it! Breakfast is now a tiny slice of toast which I pretty much have to force myself to eat. I feel sick if I eat but I feel sick if I don’t eat.
Appetite oh where art thou?
I thought if I ever turned into the kind of person who didn’t want to eat, for whom eating was an evil necessity (as it was for my VERY THIN ex, damn him!) that I’d be delighted for surely that is the best route to weight loss? But I don’t feel happy about this at all. Because I know it’s not a good thing to lose your appetite. And besides, I’m pretty certain that I haven’t lost any weight anyway. I think my body is just hanging onto the miserly morsels I am feeding it.
Perhaps it will come back and all will be well but for now, ten days after the episode, it’s still a close memory and bread is my comfort, my rock, my staff of life. It’s pretty much the only thing keeping me going though I am eating a bit of chicken, mashed potatoes and some red meat. Oh boy has my diet become basic and bland. I’ve also found ice-cream a bit of a comfort! Perhaps because it’s soothing?
I keep expecting, at any minute, for a truly ravenous appetite to return to make up for all this. I expect any moment now I’ll feel this urge to hoover up food whenever I see it but that hasn’t happened – yet! I’ve never lost my appetite before for physical reasons. I did go off my food many moons ago when my ex left me. I was in a state of shock for quite some time and my appetite vanished into thin air.
As I was rather overweight when the rat left me, this was a sort-of blessing. Everyone said how much better I looked and I’m sure it’s true. Did all the classic things abandoned girlfriends do like cutting my hair. Then having it dyed and then joining a dance class and going mad for exercise. Oh and I gave up smoking too which is more than he ever managed to do she says in a casually bitter aside that shows pain from rejection, even so long ago, never entirely leaves you.
Anyway if this current bout of not eating much persists as it once did before, maybe the weight will fall off me again? Trouble is when I had my Ex Leaving Episode I was only 26 and weight doesn’t stick around if you make a concerted effort to get rid of it at that age. It’s quite a different story now. Things take longer. Illnesses take longer to recover from. Weight gained sets like concrete once you’ve been through the menopause. I may never lose this permanently pregnant shape I truly HATE so very much. Who wants to look matronly when they’ve never even been a matron!
Capitalise on it!
So it’s tempting to capitalise on this appetite loss and see if it does eventually lead to a weight loss too. Okay so it’s not a healthy way to do it. I’d rather Paleo worked but right now, way I feel I don’t think I’ll ever again be able to face another cooked breakfast. Least it’s costing me less and it’s less effort too. Bread and cheese is really rather lovely. And if that’s why my body is currently telling me it wants, well, who am I to argue?