So my appetite has finally returned. Kind of. I welcome it back as it’s a sign of being better but I also confess to a certain rueful regret: losing my appetite sort-of made me one of those people I’ve longed to be most of my life. Someone who eats because they’re hungry. Who doesn’t have a “thing” about food. Isn’t obsessed with it. It’s necessary, vital, and needed but that’s it. Let’s eat, let’s not think about it much, let’s move on.
If only! I don’t think that’ll ever happen to me but I have had a flavour of it – d’you see what I did there! I eat because I have to and my body requires it but I’ve been dreading it because most of the time it still makes me feel nauseous. So once I know I’ve had sufficient calories to keep me going, I stop! Boy if I could’ve done that all my life I wouldn’t be this this potato you see in front of you!
Breakfast this morning was scrambled eggs, mushrooms and toast. Very nice and I was actually hungry but… I felt sick afterwards and had to sit still for a while after chewing very strong mints. Most annoying. My scrambled thoughts being, phew! That’s that done for best part of the day. Plenty goodness in that lot. I needn’t bother eating again till teatime.
I suppose my insides must be a bit bruised to say the least and every time I eat they react. I don’t get pain from eating though and no indigestion which is a mercy. Just nausea. Which of course puts me off eating! Still I’ve got some nutrients inside me and that’s main thing. I am learning that you really don’t need to eat that much to survive. Even thrive. Especially when you’re my sort of weight – at least two stone overweight if not three. I could lose two and I wouldn’t miss them!
Mums can’t be ill
The strangest thoughts flitted into my head while I was being ill and now in my recovery time. How lucky I am to be able to recover and give myself time to get over this. Imagine if I hadn’t. If I had to go to back to a workplace which offered no sick pay as many now I believe don’t. Or if I had kids who had to be fed, washed, dressed, bathed and put to bed! Odd the things that run through your head when you’ve been sick. Not for the first time do I feel very grateful to be sans commitments. I’ll never forget my Mum saying, “Mums aren’t allowed to be ill.” And how we hated it on the very rare occasions that she was. Felt truly terrifying. For if she wasn’t there to take care of us, who would be?
That said, my Dad was pretty good at stepping in. I remember once Mum breaking down in the kitchen because she was trying to do the Mum stuff but she really wasn’t very well. “I just don’t feel well,” she sobbed to my Dad who told her to go back to bed and told US we’d have to get our own breakfasts! And take care of our Mum. So I’ve much to be grateful for. Imagine being a single parent, having no family nearby, and still having to get the kids up and off to school, or nursery, or just up!
So I have much to be grateful for and grateful for it I am. I’ve no idea if this bug has caused me to lose weight. As I said last week, I really don’t think so. Just a feeling I have but I could be wrong. Of course I’ll do a weigh-in soon – what dieter wouldn’t after a bout of gastroenteritis? Shows how unhealthy a dieter’s thinking often is, how disordered our eating and our relationship to food. I’m sick and I never want to eat again but – WOW! Imagine the weight loss.
It’s sick is what it is. Sick. I wish I could be one of those people. But I know I never will be. Have a good Tuesday and if you have been, thanks for reading this.